Piece of Cake.

I have just recovered from a bad case of the flu.

I'm on the verge of losing my voice.

My throat is sore and I have a painfully dry cough.

I am one step short of going to the doctor's clinic again.

I didn't know organizing a wedding was a hazardous job.

And I don't think I'd want to do it again.

It started out pretty simple. My uncle was getting married in Muslim rites and we had only about a month for preparations. My grandparents had put down a list of names as principal sponsors to the wedding, but with my grandmother's handwriting, one's eyes would bleed first before actually deciphering whatever was written on the paper so I thought I'd extend a gesture of kindness by volunteering to have it encoded to make things easier. Realizing that my grands are too old for this sort of thing, I told them to take a chill pill and leave the invitations to me.

So, I did my part. I put down the names and decided on the wordings as to how my uncle's invitation would come out. I was the one who chose the paper and the look of the invitation, of the envelope and of the RSVP cards. But no one would accompany my uncle to the printers, his fiancee couldn't take time off from work because she was due for promotion and was supposed to take this bunch of tests. So I was left with no other choice, so I went and we had the invites ordered.

Then Tita Yasmin and Tito Boy invited us to lunch at the Diamond Hotel where the wedding/reception was to take place. Of course where there's free food, there's tag-team Hamza and Jodi with sidekick Raja! (LOL) I knew we were going to check out the place, have an ocular inspection of the ballroom, but I didn't know that I was going the contact person of the events coordinator of the hotel. Imagine my horror...hahaha! All the food I devoured on the buffet, the feeling of fullness all went away the second my Tita pointed the finger at me when asked who was in charge of the wedding.. My God. What do I know about organizing weddings? I didn't lift a finger when I got married, and there I was, "organizing" a high-profile wedding for my uncle. And to make matters worse, it was only about three weeks to the decided date.

I spent the next few weeks making lists, editing and re-editing lists of the people to invite, looking for contacts and asking quotes for the photo and video coverage, and the bouquets and arranging the seat plan. It was quite hard because I was working on these all by myself and I didn't know how much my budget for the expenditures were supposed to be because no one told me where to get them. Aside from not knowing where to get money for spending, I had people barking directions at me, complaining, inquiring, and what-have-yous...I had a marathon migraine the whole time this was happening. I was spending less and less time with my family and was missing them and I was literally losing my hair! I bet I could have made a wig with all the strands that fell or broke off. I was like a cat shedding fur. It was like going through chemotherapy... Believe me, it was scary. In fairness, I didn't have to worry about what the bride's maids, the groom's men, the kiddos and the bride had to wear because I'd probably lose my mind if they gave that task to me. I didn't even had time to prepare my outfit--I wore a blouse I had custom made a year before and just matched it with an old skirt. The only new clothing article I had on me was the obi belt that was a tad tight for me. Que horror!

So the wedding date arrived, I had butterflies in my stomach and was expecting the worst. We bumped into a detour when we were just a couple of kilometers away from the hotel. Who knew a parade was going to take place that afternoon?

I gotta give props to Lola Zenaida P. Gania for her decorating genius. I only had her to turn to, and she didn't let me down. Besides, her friends were also sponsors at the wedding, and they also knew of her expertise in this part. The ballroom looked really great, but my seat plan was "mutilated" because she re-arranged the tables. Still..the ballroom did look pretty amazing.:)

Guests started to trickle in, and my nerves were all a wreck. Ya Allah, Ya Allah! Please let this event flow without any glitches! I was running around barking commands at the groom and his groom's men, and to the bride and her maids up at the 29th floor. I was welcoming guests, talking to the crew and was struggling with this 'sibling/parent' encounter that we were supposed to execute (it's a whole different story, can't blog about it, sorry). When the ceremony started, I went with the groom to fetch his bride, downstairs 'directing' and all that. I was everywhere. And it was hella tiring!

I would like to think that it turned out okay, because the people enjoyed the whole thing. I had fun too, I was hob-knobbing with people I usually see on tv. Senator Gordon even pulled out his own camera and told his aide to take a picture of him with my sis-in-law and me! Well, it sucked a little because I didn't get to entertain my in-laws properly (but they knew what I was going through) and more importantly, I didn't get to eat! Of all the darnedest things! I didn't even get to have a slice of cake! And they said the food tasted great too. Boo.

Hmm...summing it up..I think it went all right. I learned a lot of things during those weeks I was running around like a headless chicken (or a HAIRLESS chick, if I may). I have made new contacts and I have learned new stuff It was enjoyable... But next time... next time someone asks me to help them out with the wedding preparations... I'm gonna have to get a crew and ask for some sort of fee, a "thank you" simply just won't do for me! JUST KIDDING! LOL XD

-->for wedding pics check out this link:

http://johannah.multiply.com/photos/album/35/Pangandaman-Nusug_Nuptials

He's Now Three. :)

It was supposed to be a family outing..Hamza, Raja and I with Hamza's parents and sibs, and my siblings and our nephews..we were all supposed to spend Raja's third birthday at Enchanted Kingdom in Sta. Rosa Laguna. But the stand-off at The Peninsula the day before his birthday gave me second thoughts about leaving home due to security reasons. So, we stayed home.. most of the day that is. Spoiled by his dad, Hamza quickly yielded to his only child's wishes to go to the mall to get his hair cut (go figure!). So, at five in the afternoon, we headed off to the nearest mall to get our little tyke a new 'do. It was a horrendous drive; what usually took twenty minutes to the mall lasted about more than an hour! I guess no one was afraid of coup d'etats anymore--we've all gone numb to all the hooplah going on around us. Anyway, we get him a hair cut and a toy afterwards, dinner at one of our fave haunts, stopped by a cake shop for his birthday cake and head home. It was a simple celebration once again, but a very happy one.

When he closed his eyes to sleep that night, I couldn't help but look at him and feel reminiscent of everything about him. From the day he was born (actually, four days after he was born) until that very moment. It's like, ang bilis! Time flies! You really have to try hard not to blink if you want to see everything happen before you. It was just like yesterday when all he did was cry and feed and get his diaper changed. Now he feels irked when he has a diaper on so he's stopped wearing one early on, he speaks sentences and asks "why" questions all the time, which sometimes leaves me asking those questions myself. He's like a sponge, and we really have to watch ourselves at times because he picks up on things really quickly. He's learned the alphabet and numbers, colors and shapes before he turned three years old, and knows the different kinds of vehicles, he has a keen sense of direction (he knows whether we're going to the mall or to lola's or wherever) and can determine good from bad. He now has preference for food, for tv shows, toys, the clothes he wears when we go out, playmates (he doesn't like playing with girls, except his tita Jaminah) and just about everything else! He doesn't like to sing unless it's the Spongebob theme song or Naruto (feeling Japanese) and doesn't like to dance unless I dance with him. He's still very much a part of us, but he's now starting to have his own identity which is apart from us. It's amazing seeing your own child grow before your very eyes, but it sometimes scare the hell out of me because I keep thinking if I'm doing all right as a parent to Raja or not. But knowing what I know about our son, I think I'm doing just fine.

Now that he's three, I asked him if he wanted to go to school. He said no, not yet, he still wants to stay home and play. It made my heart jump that he chose to stay home with us despite all the the nice things I said about school...I think I'll give him another year, then ask again. Maybe by then, he'll change his mind.

People keep asking if he's going to get a brother or sister anytime soon... "Buntis ka na ba?" "May kapatid na ba siya?" "Bakit hindi n'yo na sundan?" Relax. Chill. It's not like we wanted it this way, you know. Had we not lost the second, he'd have had a brother or a sister by then. And it's not like we're waiting for the right time. There's no such thing as the right time--if you're blessed by ALLAH to have that child now, tomorrow, the next month or year, then that is the right time, and say Alhamdulillah and thank you for the blessing. But if it's going to be just us three, still, Alhamdulillah and thank you for the blessing. Not everyone is blessed with a child. And to us, Raja is more than enough for now. It'll happen when it happens. But right now, it's just our Raja.

I look at the calendar and count the days until his fourth birthday swings by... it won't be long. Then I look at my kid again with his eyes closed, his matchbox still in his hand and tell myself, don't grow up just yet. happy birthday, Raja... ummi and abi love you very much.

11.17.07

Dear Hamza,

Another year has passed. At least for both of us. It has been a year of trials and errors, of difficulties, of sacrifices. We've gone through a lot but we didn't falter.What we have together is a lot stronger than we think. Technically, the paper says we're four years old. But in our hearts, it has been far longer than that. And it's still you and me.

There have been times in our earlier years that giving up and letting go is the easy way out. But as the cliche goes, 'it is easier said than done.' There were minor glitches, people who objected, but in the end, it all turned out okay. More than ok, we both thought. And we were blessed with a son, a son we both dote on and love so much. And then another came, but he was taken away before we even saw his face. That was perhaps, the most difficult time for us. But we're still together. Stronger than ever.

The years after that seemed to have passed by like a breeze. Just like any family who go through the motions of ups and downs, we had ours, and we've braved it all. I know there are those who think that we're just taking things easy, but we know better.;) It's been one hell of a ride. But as long as you're on my side, let it roll, let it slide!

Thanks hunny, for all the good and bad memories. The funny moments that we've shared, the serious talks we've had. Our petty fights and big arguments that I so thankfully say were few! Thanks for letting me keep your secrets, as you have mine, the jokes that we two only know, our share of big appetites and "this-is-my-last-harabas-meal-i'll-do-that-diet-thing-tomorrow", our love for movies, and dvds and dvdrips, and our movie marathons that end up into foodtrips in the kitchen and sharing childhood stories.

Thanks for having the patience in my sloth-like ways, my short fuses that go off any time, any day, my sudden bursts of craziness which I myself do not know where they come from. Thank you for loving my cooking and my oc-ness, my ability to find your things when they're right in front of you or otherwise, and my silly collection of flipflops that you too are starting to like.

I also would like to thank you for cheering me up on days I feel down, for turning my scowls into grins, and for making me laugh when I don't even want to smile. Thanks for the jokes, the corny and cheesy gestures, the funny dance moves only you can pull off, and for the "poppin!" songs I will never forget.

Thanks for all the flowers, the cakes, cards and gifts, expensive or not, immaterial and material alike. They all mean alot to me and will treasure them forever, dried petals and all.

Thank you for pointing out my mistakes and helping me correct them, for accepting my other flaws and personal issues which I am still trying to overcome, for the times when I cannot understand myself and for loving my scars as these help me become the person I am. For all of these and a whole lot more, thank you.

Lastly, thank you for coming into my life, for sharing yours with mine and for giving me Raja as these are gifts that have made me complete.

Happy 4th Anniversary!

I love you.

Forever yours,

Jodi.

Words From My Not-So-Old Wise Man.

Date : November 10, 2007

Time : 2:10am

Mood : edgy.

My gums are still hurting from yesterday's extraction, and for someone who can tolerate a great deal of pain, I have to say that I am a blink of an eye away from banging my head to the wall to numb the pain. It wasn't so much of the tooth saying goodbye to my mouth, but the trauma my gums are going through right now that's bugging me and leading me to write just to block the pain. Yeah. Write something gross to freak out your readers. Want a blow-by-blow account of my trip to the dentist's chair (of doom)? Hehehe. Block. Erase. And start over.

Hmm.. Dad dropped by the house pretty late tonight. He usually comes in the afternoons to relax a bit before he hits the sack in his flat. Anyhoo, sometimes I just leave him be in the company of his brother and cousin and they talk about the daily happenings in their lives or of other peoples'. Tonight though, I thought I'd stay out with them by the backyard and listen in on their "chismis". When my uncle left to get something, he turned to me and asked how life was doing... I said it was fine, and gave him accounts of the things that has happened that I hadn't had the chance to tell him yet.

So I ask him how his projects were doing and he goes on to talk about it. But first he talks about his early years and the things he's gone through, the career he chose and the name that he's made. He has certainly gone a long way and I commend him for being such a man. Jeez, if I could only be a quarter of the person that he is! Why on earth, did I not inherit his mathematical genius? I could have taken up civil engineering like he did! hehe. I let him talk about his projects in Mindanao... He's handling road and bridge projects funded by Saudi-Kuwait, and they're mostly located in risk-oriented areas. The last batch of projects that he handled were those funded by the ADB, and that took him years to finish because it was a whole bunch of projects funded at the same time. Now that was a deadly position. Two of his predecessors had to do early retirement and one died three months after he got that job before dad was appointed to that position. It was that toxic. But my dad... He finished the whole thing. So all the beautiful roads and bridges that you see and actually tread, from Luzon to Mindanao were parts of his projects (the foreign-funded projects, local projects aren't his). The ADB people actually cried when he finished the job, coz that meant he won't be with them anymore. And they even reacted when the Saudi Kuwait got him to do their projects in Mindanao because ADB is preparing a new batch of projects lined up for the country and they want him to handle it. He is that good. And I'm damn proud of it.

What makes my heart more prouder is the fact that the people I meet who know my dad have nothing but good words to tell me about him--professional, straight-forward, doesn't get intimidated by high-browed sleazebag officials, especially when he knows he's right and highly principled. The one word I hear most from them is that he's kind. Mabait. At times it surprises me when I hear stories from other people whom he'd helped; usually from small people and those who really deserve to get a break from this I-have-a-strong-backer-and-you-don't professional world. It's surprising because he doesn't tell us the things he does--stuff like that, anyways. Yes, he helps those he thinks are deserving and in need. His contractors like him alot because he's not one to demand anything from them (I can super attest to that--if that were the case we'd be super rich and I won't be living in this country anymore!) That's why officials who demand percentages for projects do not come to him because he doesn't believe in such. Takot sila sa daddy ko.

Some people wonder why I don't work for my dad. Why I don't use him to get me a high-paying job in his office or any of his kumpare's. I can't. Because he won't. Because he's not one to pull strings for his kids. He wants them to make it the way he and mom made it on their own. He wants us to get what is due us, what we deserve. Without pulling anyone down. Without stepping on other people's toes. That's how professional he is. There had been times it made me angry because he wouldn't do that for us, while others do anything and everything just to land their kids a great, stable job. But at the end of the day, he comes out right and on top.

So, he goes on to tell me that I'm lucky because my family and I won't have to go through the things he and mom did (and I know it was hard--I was there, too), and I'm super grateful for that! He went on to say that if things went my way and I let it pass by without doing anything, it wasn't meant for me (coz I told him about the job offers I've had the past years that I declined), that we were still young (he thinks?!) and we've still got a long way to go. He also told me not to rush things (joining politics--at least not yet, or whatever we want na hindi pa namin kaya gawin), because it will all just come at the right time. Better to take things gradually, slowly rise up rather than be placed somewhere on top and tumble down and fall flat on your face. Take care of your family, especially your parents (and I can clearly see that in the way they take care of lolo, lola and ina). And be mindful of other people that you do not step on their toes or offend them. Do not be impatient, ever. Because if it's your destiny, if ALLAH wills it, no matter what you do, where you are, if something is really meant for you, it will happen. Hmm.. true that, true that. Words from a wise man.

The grandfather's clock strikes a quarter to twelve and dad takes this as his cue to leave. He gets up and says goodbye, and that he'll be back the next morning. As I clean up the mess (cigarette butts, glasses, leftovers) I ponder on the things he's told me. He's right, you know... parents always are (like I am..wehhh!). It's just that it gets irritating sometimes when the world seems to pass by right before your very eyes and you're just standing there, wondering why you're not part of it... and being the impatient person that I am, it leaves me frustrated, you know? But yeah.t.when it's not for you, it's not for you. *sigh*breathe*sigh* Just gotta stay positive, and hella lot more patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. I mean, his career is thirty-plus years old, I certainly don't think I could surpass what he's accomplished with a blink of an eye. You really have to start somewhere. Maybe that somewhere is here, now.

Jeez, dad... why'd you have to be so great? hehe.

Time : 3:23 am

Mood : a bit calmer now.

Hmm... I can't say if it's the blogging that's calmed me down that I've now forgotten the pain in my traumatized gum...

But then... that could be the painkiller working its magic.

I'm calling it a night... or a morning rather...

There's a box of Krispy Kreme still in my fridge though. Hmm.

Haha!

I'm out.

That Green Monster Called Envy

There was one time I felt a little envious of someone, and I told my brother about it. He was like, "Naiinggit ka dyan? do you even know where they get the money they're spending? Yuck, kadiri ka. Naiinggit ka dun?!" When I saw his reply in our chatbox (we were chatting on YM then, like I do with my mom and brothers everyday), I felt like I bumped my head on a concrete wall.

Oo nga naman... why be envious of others when you got it going good for yourself? I mean, I have a sturdy roof over my head, I eat three square meals a day (plus snacks), I have warm, comfortable clothes on my body, I am healthy, I am making a decent income on something I started just as a hobby, I can go anywhere without worrying how to get there, and the list goes on.

Why be envious at all?

Perhaps these people are doing something that I haven't done yet?

-But nothing's stopping me.. there are no barriers where I stand.

Perhaps I can't because I do not have the means, financially?

-It can be one problem, though there are ways to remedy this.

Maybe because I want to be talked about?

-I don't think so.

Then why be green with envy?

-Because it's human nature.

Human beings are insatiable in nature. We long for things we do not have, or wish for others' lives to be just like theirs. We wish to go to places we haven't been to that others have and seem to have enjoyed, we crave for things that are not in our reach... We want to be envied.

It's evil, really. And the more you sink into it, the more unproductive, miserable and desperate you become. It's a sickness, a disease that can eat up your insides and drive you to doing things that you may and will regret having done later on.

What do we do then?

-Pray.

Corny as it may sound, prayer does a lot of wonders.

Seek forgiveness and mercy for planting such thoughts and feelings in yourself. Pray for peace of mind, for calmness and solemnity, for contentment and satisfaction. Be thankful of what you have, and what you do not have. Learn to accept what is given to you and not, and be mindful of the fact that there are others who wish to be in your shoes. Just think about it... It's that simple, really.

So the next time you get jealous of someone, think first... is it really worth getting jealous over? Or is the big ugly green monster called Envy dancing around my innocent (or not-so-innocent) mind again? Swat the thought away and do something productive...aim high and reach for the stars. You'll never get anywhere if you just sit there sulking... MOVE. NOW!

(--this is just one of those nights when something keeps playing over and over in my mind. i think i'm hungry lang...8mcdo or yellow cab? they both deliver 24hours, right? hehe..I'll probably talk about gluttony next time.lol)

Blinded Item

Got word from my friend. Darn. He didn't accept the invitation to join the competition. Sayang! He had a good chance pa naman... I think he got psyched with the thought of cameras hovering, shooting everything that they say or do. Personally, I think it was a wasted opportunity. It's not the money really, but the experience of doing something as joining a reality show that could open doors to all sorts of good things.

Oh well... maybe there're other good things in store for him...

The next heartthrob perhaps? haha.

Blind Item

I was waiting for Hamza to pick me up from the dental clinic the other day when I got an unexpected surprise from a friend. It usually only takes about five to ten minutes for him to get there even when he's coming from Crossings at Sct. Borromeo/Panay Ave., but today, he was taking extra long. When I inquired about athe delay, he said he was with a friend, and they'll be picking me up. Imagine my glee when I saw him. Dang, I haven't seen him for ages! He and I met way, way before I even knew Hamza, which I think dates back in high school; we were schoolmates in college, and now, he's friends with my hunnybunchkins and the cousins.

"Mataan (it's like saying "I swear"), you haven't changed the day I met you in high school," he said. "What is it that you do?" I didn't know whether to take it as an insult or as a compliment at first, but I took the latter. High school meant about fifteen-seventeen years ago, and if I look that youthful even at my age (I'm twenty-nine), with a hubby and kid to boot, I think I might be doing something good!*laughs*

We went to Starbucks Timog for some coffee. He and Hamza were actually supposed to have some before picking me up, but my appointment ended earlier than scheduled, so I tagged along even though I don't take the hot, caffeineted drink; I'm not gonna pass up the chance to have some of their yummy treats!

So, we talk. And Hamza breaks the news. Our friend here might be coming out on a tv show that's like one of those aired in the States. It'll be aired sometime next month in one of the sister stations of this giant tv network. He said it's not yet sure that he's going to get in, but I think he's a shoe-in. The exciting part of this contest is that the winner gets the chance to go to the USA and join THE show. You know, the one whose logo is that of a silhouette of a man, running with a briefcase on one hand? Yes. That's it.

Now, as to who this friend is... All I can say is that he's everybody's friend. I'll let you know who he is when the show starts to air on channel *bleep!*.

My Encounter With An Artista (Celebrity)

I'm in the middle of writing two blogs right now (my mind usually wanders while typing and I end up writing yet another blog), but I have to write this down while it's still fresh in my mind.hehe.

It was past four in the afternoon when Hamza, Raja and I got to Quezon City from Las Piñas where we spent the night there at my in-laws place. We had decided to make a quick stop at Crossings Department Store to buy some groceries and pay the phone bill at a nearby Bayad Center.

Hamza and Raja went up to the third floor to pass the time while I paid for our bill. He bought Raja another Matchbox/Hotwheels toy car because the little boy was promised by his father that he'd get a matchbox from him. I went out the building to the Bayad Center to pay the bill and went back in to do a 'mini-grocery' as we call it just to replenish some stuff we need for the kitchen (bread and what-have-yous). It was nearing Iftar and I was in a rush.

While waiting in line to pay for my purchases, I saw an actress. It wasn't really much of a big deal because I oft see celebrities at the coffee places in Crossings who hang out or to do grocery shopping. But this particular artista was different because I often ogle at her stuff online. Please do not get me wrong here, I am not a voyeur and I am most definitely not a lesbian, no offense, my dear sisters. I am talking about her online shop on Multiply, Stellar01. Ok, I'm getting ahead of my story. Backtrack.

So there I was, waiting in line when I see her, Chynna Ortaleza, owner of the online shop http://stellar01.multiply.com which I frequent to check on the latest updates whenever I go online (which is everyday.hehe!). She was with her mom, I think, and they were talking. I was on the other line, silently wishing that the line would go a little faster as we needed to go home to prepare the food for Iftar. I caught her eye and smiled, she smiled back at me. And I lifted the pendant necklace I was wearing to show her I bought one of her babies. That must've made her happy, because she showed her mom I was wearing it and I said, "I was the one who bought four", referring to the necklaces I bought from her. I actually bought five but who cares? She remembered. Probably because of my countless queries. hehe! She further told her mom I lived in the Scout area (she even remembered the street) and then said to me, "We live nearby, we're from New Manila." I was a bit dazed and awestruck as the little conversation was going on. I mean, I was dazed because I was hungry and the rumblings in my tummy were really getting to me, and awestruck because she was talking to me. I even forgot to say my name. ngeee.

When they had paid for their purchase, we said our goodbyes and I went on to unload the stuff to the counter. I was wary of the curious looks I was getting from the other customers. Let them be. I was too hungry to mind it. I rushed to the package counter to leave my bag when there she was with her grocery cart, depositing her groceries. So our little chat continued. I had told her that I was going up to the third floor and we was in a hurry because we had to break fast at home. And so our conversation shifted to fasting. It was a short conversation, but it was pleasant. We parted ways again, and I met up with Hamza and Raja. I know I should have said something about her stuff, how I really like them and all, and gotten a pic with her but again, I was too hungry it didn't even cross my mind. Sayang nga eh. But it was all right.

Later that night, I was browsing through sites on Multiply when I got a personal message from her. It was a delightful surprise because I wasn't expecting anything and I had meant to leave her a message first to say thank you and it was nice to have met her. She beat me to it! And so I replied and thanked her for being nice and all.

She's actually kind and down to earth. I usually have this vision of celebrities acting bratty, high and mighty. I guess she proved me wrong. It was cool to have met an artista who didn't have any airs in her, who's just like any average jane... But she'll never be an average jane...

She's already Chynna O.

She's already Stellar.

Glad to have met you, Sis! See you around.

Happy Birthday. :)

I miss my friends.

But I miss them more so this day.

Jiamerah. Jam. She's the brainy one in the group. She makes math seem like a breeze while the rest of us scratch our heads trying to figure out the problem. I miss how she talks with her hand covering her mouth... She laughs like that too. I didn't get it then and still don't get it now. Why do you cover your mouth so? Miss walking home from school with her, we had time to chat over girly things just by ourselves. I miss her air of seriousness for her studies, how determined she was to be on top and keep it that way. But she wasn't serious all the time. I miss her bouts of craziness also. For someone so smart with school stuff, it was weird to see her agonize over problems of the heart.

Rasliah. Rush. That's what she's called, but to family and close friends she is Khuna. What do I miss about her? Her chinky eyes that get more chinkier by the second when she and Leah are laughing over something (not at someone). One part of the jesters in the group, Khuna always manages to take things lightly; she finds humor in the things that happen around us, no matter how dreary it may seem. I miss her hearty laugh, and her kind ways. i miss driving all the way to Marantao to pick her up with the rest of the batch just to joyride and drive back there late at night. A pick-up full of kids. And to think I was only learning to drive.

Emily Azalea. Leah. The life of the party. I miss seeing her rush to the front of Laubach Hall for the flag ceremony. I miss her seeing the tandem Rush-Leah, wreaking havoc on anyone who crossed their path with their friendly-slash-merciless "banter" with whoever whenever someone's crush was around. I miss her making noise even when her voice is soft. Maingay na soft. Peace, Minangowao. I miss having to go to her house in Marinaut, buying all the bananacue on the way to her place, eating it all there and exchanging girly stories about school, friends, crushes and family. I miss seeing her mom, Tita Babie and her kindness. Reminds me of my mom. They both rock.

Aniraida. Anie. The baby in the group who got married two weeks after our high school graduation. The girl with the softest hands that I know. They're like a baby's butt. Yes, they were that soft. hehe. I miss her laugh. Really loud laughter. I miss her child-like (or childish?) ways, how she jokes around and laughs until tears roll down from her eyes. I miss her handwriting too; cursive, very feminine. But she writes slow too. I remember Ma'am Aman getting irritated at times because we, particularly she, wasn't done copying whatever was written on the board yet.

Julieta. Doyette. I miss her laugh as well. Not that it was loud or anything. She's probably the only person I know who can "laugh out loud" inside a library because she doesn't make a sound. You'll just see her shoulders violently shaking like so, and you'll know she's laughing he hiney off. I miss having to go to her place on weekends for serious one-on-ones. To talk about problems bugging me or about hers, just random stuff we can think and talk about.

Noroden. Dino. The rose among the thorns. I don't remember how he became part of us, but he did. He's one hell of a serious guy (he was the SGO President in our Senior year) and was very involved in school activities. I miss how serious he looks one minute and gets all funky when we tease him to one of the girls (Hanipha Madale). He gets all red and acts funny, but I don't think there was really any romantic inclinations going on between the two. I miss his witty remarks, and his antics too.

Funny how I miss how they all laugh--that was probably all we did. We rarely fought, but that doesn't say we're not sincere with each other. We just all fit in nicely, us seven. We just clicked.

That friendship started way back in 1992.

We now all have lives of our own, families and careers to tend to.

But even though miles, longitudes, latitudes, and time zones separates us.

We're still friends.

And will remain so, until the end.

Thanks for all the good memories, and the few rough patches that we had, too. I will forever treasure them. Best days of my once young life. Glad to have spent it with you.

Happy Birthday to us!

I love you!

Inday, Inday!

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa probinsya, namasukan si Inday bilang katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng amo…

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para mag ayos ng bahay, magluto, maglaba, magplantsa, mamalengke, at magbantay ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute significantly to the value of the work that you want, my creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can offer will boost the work progress.

Amo: [nosebleed]

Kinabukasan, habang nasa opisina ang amo, may tumawag sa telepono.

Inday: Hi, you are calling in the midst of me cooking our lunch, my superiors aren't around. I'm the immediate person in support. How may i help you? If you wish to leave a message, an abrupt tone means your diverted to our voicemail.

Caller: [Ibinaba ang telepono]

Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang amo, nakitang me bukol si junior.

Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Tapos, sabi pa...

Amo: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.

Amo: [hinimatay]

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si junior sa principal's office dahil di makapunta ang amo at donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]

Pagdating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo, galit na galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan, malikot si junior.

Inday: Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang nagdudugong ilong]

Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay. Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when people can't understand you for doing so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

Dumating ang amo bago maghapunan.

Amo: Day! Bakit may rashes si Junjun?

Inday: Allergens triggered the immune response. Eosinophillic migratin occurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic and anaphylotoxin including histamine and protaglandins. These substance results to increased circulation to the site promoting redness.

Amo: Sori?

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong, ang driver ng kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable statement to the denial of your request - Petition denied.

Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, nagging syota nya rin si Inday. Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-break si Inday ke Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocations. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!

Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as any affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely attempting to expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily recreation. Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things you thought are just nothing because maybe someday you'll realize that the one you gave away is the very thing you've been wishing for to stay.

Kinagabihan, kinausap si Inday ng kanyang amo...

Inday: Being a third party doesn't mean that you're destroying a relationship. It only means that you make two souls realize that they are not meant to be!


More Inday Quotes:

I pity you for you have degraded your very own pride and dignity by resorting to this despicable behavior just for the sake of having something to feed your fetish appetite for wealth and i hope that one day you'll be rational enough to realize that you should not use other humans as means in the attainment of your ends. As what the great philosopher Kant uttered, 'treat a man as an end in himself'.
- sagot ni inday sa dugu-dugu gang na tumawag sa bahay ng amo nya

~*~*~*~*~*~

Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis.
- si inday, nagpapaalam para mamalengke

~*~*~*~*~*~

The dwindling resource of hydrogen2 and oxygen present, coupled with the stabile amount of precise heat in the thermal environ of the vessel, resulted in the premature hydration of the 'Oryza Sativa', hence the calefaction factor was rendered lost and wandering when the algid formation came about.
- sagot ni inday kung bakit HILAW ang kanin

~*~*~*~*~*~

Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rains and floods, the harvest of the said vegetables has lessen the production in the market.
- banat pa ni inday sa amin kung bakit walang kangkong sa nilutong sinigang

~*~*~*~*~*~

Drunken tiger shrimp and blue lobster meat, cut diagonally and caviar served with milagrosa rice (red variety) and apricot sauce. Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil garnished with mint leaves. Lychee and peach salad
- inihanda ni inday para ibaon ni jun-jun sa daycare

~*~*~*~*~*~

Physical stress and excessive work may result to serious damage to one's body. It is therefore essential that once in a while, we take a break from our usual routine to replenish our lost energy.
- sagot ni inday sa amo niya ng ayaw syang payagan mag day-off

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

borrowed it from my multiply business contact..i was only gonna put a link but there seems to be a prblem with mine (yes, i allowed pop-ups for this window temporarily). anyway, i hope you found it amusing as well. :)

Broke(n) Back Jodi. Humor(less) Me

Last week, I learned that I can survive on water alone.*guffaws*

I broke my back last week...okay, maybe strained it. Don't ask why anymore, because I probably wouldn't tell you anyway. Let's just say that for a brief moment, I thought that I was Supergirl and I knew the answer to world hunger. *hyuk! hyuk!* So, from Tuesday afternoon to Thursday, I was suffering a fever of 39-40 degrees celsius with the pain from my lower back shooting down to my knees. Yes, it hurt even when I stood up. I was told by Hamza's older sister to just take things easy and lie down for a couple of days until the pain subsides, which I in turn, faithfully did for a couple of minutes. I've lost appetite for food, and found myself drinking water and juice only. My God, I was living off on fluids for days, and I was beginning to get scared coz I knew if I didn't get anything to eat, I'd be puking bile soon. Come Saturday, I was trying my best not to wither in pain because my dad keeps asking what was wrong and I didn't want to tell even though my back was killing me and the pain was beginning to spread upward. I didn't want to go see a doctor because I don't like hospitals (although I usually find myself in it one way or another), so I opted for the good old neighborhood masseuse/manghihilot, Mimi. I knew I should've gone to her earlier but Hamza believed it would go away so I sat it out. I thought too, that my high tolerance for pain would win over it, but I would find myself all teary-eyed come evening when it got cold because of the typhoons.

And so Mimi made massaged my back. It was my first time to see a manghihilot-slash-masseuse so I told her to be gentle with my back because it was broken. Oh, she was gentle...as gentle as the winds of Egay. *laughs* My God, I was gripping the metal bars of our bed like hell, my knuckles turned white! I was too embarrassed to yelp so I kept my head buried under the pillow and bore the pain. She said in Cebuano, 'maraming hangin katawan mo, 'te'...I told her 'ang tawag dyan, air pockets.' *waaaahhhhh... humor me. haha!* She worked on me for more than an hour. After my ordeal with her, I felt all black and blue, but for some reason, I felt less pain on my back and legs. I feel better now, but I have to see her a couple more times. I'm contemplating seeing a doctor, just for good measure. I just want to know if everything's finally ok with me, so I can get back to saving the world, and do that darned test that i've been putting off for the longest time (some thyroid test thingy).

I know some people find it weird how I still have to do things when I can very well just order other people around to do these things for me... yes, that's what servants are for, and they're paid to do things for your convenience and stuff, but I wasn't exactly born to just lie around and order other people around. I was born with a silver spoon, I admit, but I wasn't born an invalid. I don't mind getting my hands dirty. I enjoy getting my hands dirty. That's why I got like this (broken back). Anyway, I know I'll be getting back to work pretty soon (I'm still on slight vacation mode right now), but I'll be a lot more careful with the stuff I do. Oh, I'm glad to report too, that my appetite has come back, but I'm gonna try take things slow, all the extra weight I've been wanting to lose is now gone (I can give Marie France, Belo and Calayan a run for their money--I lost 10lbs in 5 days!), it might come back if I binged on a daily basis. hehe! My best friend now is water, and I don't think I'll be changing best friends for quite a while.*bows*

sorry i couldn't think of a good title...it's in bad taste, i know. maybe my next blog wouldn't be as bad as this. haha!

Picture, Picture!

Sheer luck? I say it's just coincidence. We were supposed to go visit my grands, but the weather made it quite impossible for us to get out of our jammies and the room. I was contemplating on walking to the internet cafe in Timog (which was only a block down from our new place) inspite of the weather to contact my Havaianas dealer (I pre-ordered some pairs, hehe!) when lo and behold, the guys from the phone company came to install the landline. Coolness! After awhile the guy who was gonna install my internet connection came. Coolness times two.:) Anyway, I just wanted to post some pics here... not of me, but of Rashad. Just when I thought that I had it all, I find out my card reader's smashed...something inside it is loose and it won't read my memory card.Raja, bad boy! >:-/ So, I'll just make do with what I have... good thing Che lent me her cd. I'll just post more pictures of Rashad when I got a new reader.:)

p.s.

he's so like his father... laging nakakunot ang noo. lol

Welcome, Khalil Rashad!

If only my computer had internet access, then I would've posted his picture here. Soon, when I've completely settled in our new residence..naks!
I'm talking about the newest addition to the family, Khalil Rashad De Guzman Diron, my nephew.
Yup, my NEPHEW. One of my brothers' kid... Amir Hassan's.

WHAAAAT?

Yeah.
It's his.
He's married.
And he now has a kid.

Shocked with the revelation, huh? Don't be. It's his destiny. And he's happy.:)

All I can say is that the baby looks like his daddy.:) Another future heartbreaker in the family. hehe! I'll post the pics one of these days... I haven't quite figured out if I'm gonna subscribe to my old provider or get a new one.

Until next time... Ciao!

Held Up...A High School Memoir. =)

My online buddy had a recent near death experience and shared his story to me through his blog (thanks, Ghostface!). Reading his blog triggered a memory that I experienced in high school which I think I'll never ever forget.

It was August 1994, and Cagayan de Oro was having its annual fiesta. We were high school seniors then, and my girl friends Jam, Khuna, Leah, Annie, Doyette and I decided to spend the weekend in CDO to join in on the festivities (which meant hanging out at LimKetKai Mall for shopping, foodtripping and skating on the rink. hehe!) We had all decided to go on a Friday afternoon since school days were from Sunday to Thursday. My five best girl friends and I decided to meet by the bus terminal in the afternoon but somehow only three of us made it. It was around four in the afternoon when Leah, Khuna and I decided to leave without the others. Had there only been cellphones that time. sheesh.

So anyway, we took the last trip Tomawis bus from Marawi to Iligan. A couple of minutes past five, we got to the Tomawis terminal but the Tourist bus from the terminal just across us had just pulled out from the driveway and left; that bus we saw was the last trip headed for Cagayan de Oro. Just our darn luck! What to do, what to do? We were stuck in Iligan City, and it was getting dark. Was there another bus going to CDO? Unfortunately, no. For that bus company anyway. So we decided to look for another mode of transportation that could take us to our destination. I don't remember though, if we went to snack for awhile...perhaps? Enlighten me dear Leah and Khuna...my old, wrinkled mind cannot fathom such details. hehe! Anyway, I do remember that it was already dark when we found this bus terminal. I don't know how we found it; I think Leah and Khuna asked around...I wasn't any help coz I couldn't speak Visaya to save my life back then. I do remember though that it looked dreadful. Well, ok, I may be exaggerating here, but this was a bus company which catered mostly to market merchants who lived in the outskirts of Iligan City...Pang masa kumbaga...Class C and D type folk. The bus was old, the seats were hard, and there was no airconditioning. I was silently contemplating spending the night at my Tita Yasmin's place, but if we did that, my mom would know coz for sure my aunt would let her know we were there and I didn't want my mom or any of my friends' moms to worry we weren't in CDO yet (because they we told them we'd leave after lunch). The conductor said the bus leaves at seven in the evening so we took the chance, boarded the Bachelor bus and waited for it to fill up.

We were the first ones in. Slowly, our worries faded and we became our enthusiastic selves again. Gosh, we haven't even gotten to CDO and we were already on an adventure (misadventure was more like it, now that I think of it). We were happily chatting away at the very back of the bus when these two men decided to sit on the seats in front of ours. They were of average height, and dark and hard-looking, like they've done time sometime, somewhere. Pay no mind though, they weren't bothering us, so we waited, chatted and waited until the bus slowly filled up with passengers, and the conductor announced that we were leaving for Cagayan de Oro.

As the bus pulled away from the terminal, the conductor began collecting fare from the passengers. We paid ours, and scanned the crowd we were with. No one looked suspicious, I thought to myself, but these two men in front of us kept speaking in hushed tones, like they were talking about a secret or something really important and they didn't want anyone to hear. We were singing songs (yes, we were singing and we didn't care that they could hear us) when crazy Leah would lean over casually and try to eavesdrop on the conversation of the two men. But they would stop whenever they see Leah (perhaps in their peripheral vision) that she was right behind them. Anyway, it was either in Naawan or after Naawan while we were still singing songs, the two men took out their hankies and folded it into a triangle. We could see everything, coz you know how the last row seats are elevated from the rest? Ours was like that too. So, as I was saying, we were singing, and they took out their hankies, I had the craziest feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wrong was going to happen. I swear I felt it. So while singing I nudged my friends to take off the jewelry that we had on and stuff them into our socks. By then, I saw the man sitting by the aisle take out his revolver. Dang, we were in deep sh*t.

He got out from his seat went to the driver's side, then the second man followed but stopped in the middle of the bus. Then he announced in Visaya that we were being held up. Night time and in the middle of no where. In a bus with two hold-uppers. God. You could probably imagine all the blood draining out from our faces; we were so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. I was so scared because I was the one keeping our money, and it was stashed in the Guess? beltbag that I borrowed from Hassan. We were told to put our hands behind our heads and bend down so our heads were touching our thighs. Cool. They wouldn't see my beltbag. God, what a doofus. I was about to die and I was thinking about my beltbag. I began to think about my family; mom, my dad and my brothers. I didn't know if I'd be able to see them again. I saw my life flash before my eyes. I swear...everything that happened to me--good and bad experiences from when I was a kid to that very moment, all the people who meant alot to me, my friends, acquaintances, I saw it all in a flash. I got distracted when the guy with the gun said to give them all our stuff--jewelry, money, whatever was valuable. So the second man went from passenger to passenger, getting money from their wallets, their watches and bags. When he got to us, he didn't get anything because we had already stuffed our loot inside our socks and my beltbag's tucked on the side under my shirt where he couldn't see. Poor Khuna in her fright managed to take off the gold ring that hugged tight on her finger. Then the two men discussed where they were going to get off. They seemed so fidgety; that was probably their first time to do such thing. I think it was past El Salvador when they decided to get off. The second they got off the bus, the driver slammed on the gas pedal, and zoomed off to Cagayan de Oro.

The passengers inside were in hysterics. Some were crying, others still in shock with what had just transpired. I felt sorry for one man, he said that he just got home from abroad, and the two took his duffel bag with them. Once calmed, passengers agreed to go to the nearest police station to report the crime. i got the wristwatch from my sock and it said that it was already past eight. Leah, Khuna and I decided not to join them as we have already arrived in Cagayan de Oro. In one piece, Alhamdulillah. So, when the bus stopped by the main road and Velez st., all three of us got off, got in the nearest cab and directed it to the mall.

We were still a bit shocked with our latest adventure (the Wolves have the best bits to tell), but we were too excited to be at the mall at night by ourselves to even talk about it, so we ate and skated and commuted again to Khuna's place, to Balulang.

That night, we laid down in the dark and recounted our experience. For a brief moment I though to myself what lucky asses we were for being alive. I mean, they could've done something really harmful to us if they'd wanted to; we were sitting right behind them and we were loud and all that. But I guess they let us off because we were just kids. Or maybe they didn't do anything to us because they werent' really hardened criminals, just people who were in dire need and had nothing else left to hang on to...I dunno? But what was important was that we were alive and well. If only they hadn't gotten Khuna's ring.

The following day was a blur...I don't really remember what happened after. hehe! But I think we went home to Marawi a little earlier than scheduled. No buses this time, just those private vehicles that travel straight to Marawi City. I didn't tell mom what happened to us, she would've had a heart attack and grounded me for the rest of my senior year. I did tell her about it four years after, though, when Sehawie and some of the Wolves came to visit me at home and asked me to recount that friggin' experience with mom around...Busted!

Anyway, moral of the story... stick to the schedule. If things go awry, and you feel like you're not up to it (going somewhere, doing something), then don't do it. You might end up in a situation you might not want to be in if you do. Second moral of the story... let your parents know where you are, what you're doing and who you're with. I know it sounds corny and it's so totally uncool (especially when you're in those 'emo' years), but it's important that they know your whereabouts because just in case you're in a fix and you have to call them and stuff, your a** won't get fried.

(In)Dependent

I'm the type of person who values one's independence. Not in the sense that prefer to spend hours (or days even) away from my family and friends, but independence in the sense that I'd like to be able to be on my own every now and then, to be able to reflect and do certain things by myself.

When I got married to my husband, I slightly said goodbye to my independence. I was with him all the time... or shall I say he was with me all the time... well except when he was at work and I was at school/work. It was fun, and I enjoyed his company thoroughly (I wouldn't have allowed my parents to have me married to him if he had the humor of a dead toad!), although I sort of longed for the days when I could go mall-hopping-slash-shopping-slash-food-tripping by my lonesome. I used to do that; go mall-to-mall from Makati to Ortigas to North Edsa in one day. I knew he wouldn't allow that. Aside from the fact that it was impermissible for an unmarried Muslim lady/woman to go about town without a mahram (a male relative or husband if married), he was the type who loved to do things together. hehe!

Then came our little boy. When Raja came out (unwillingly, I might add), I bid with finality, goodbye to those days. I had a feeling I'd be stuck with this little critter until the day comes that he finds it remotely gross to hang out with his mother. So he and I spend countless hours doing completely almost everything: watching cartoons and soaps, kiddie shows and documentaries, playing with cars and choppers, or singing songs. When Hamza's free from work, we all go out together, visiting our favorite haunts, watching movies and gorging down on food. Sure, there were times when he and I would part ways for a while so I can shop in peace and he can go gymming, but only for a while (and I'm not complaining, ok!). But still, it'd be nice if I had a day completely all to myself and not worry about my kid's cute a**, or my husband asking me where his stuff were. *peace, hun!*

That day did come one time, though. I think it was last week, when my mother-in-law came to visit Raja. She went to Mindanao and didn't see him for over a month... so the day after she arrived, she together with her kids dropped by our place to visit the little boy and to update us on the latest news regarding last month's election...the dirtiest ever. She didn't really ask if they could "borrow" Raja; I think it was me who told them that Raja could spend a couple of days with them. I think Raja was excited too; well, they told him that they'd be going to Timezone first so he was so ok with the idea. hehe. I was too, although in a different way. 'Coz, once and for all, I'd finally have time to myself. And I have longed for that for the longest time. And it was here. I was free. Finally. Yes.*sigh!*

I was excited the first few hours after they'd left. But after a while, when all my hype on freedom has died down, when Hamza had finally called it a night (he works graveyard shift), I was left to my lonesome. And my initial thought of freedom and independence and doing all the stuff that I haven't done in a long time didn't seem so fun anymore... I realized that I miss the little critter and was bored.

I was bored and I missed my family. I mean, there I was, with all the time in my hands, with Hamza upstairs snoozing in the room and Raja with his Mommy Lydee and titas, and I didn't know what to do. I was so lost. I was just sitting on the couch by the living room, blankly staring at the tv (which wasn't on, by the way). I caught myself feeling reminiscent... recalling those days when he was a completely behaved little gentleman and the times when he just drove me nuts ("Raja put your toys away, puhleeease!").I guess I had been doing this for so long now that I do not know what else to do.

I didn't know how to be alone anymore.

I know that there're a thousand other things that I can spend my time on, but I've been a wife and a mom for quite a while now that I didn't realize I wasn't the same person anymore. I dunno if I should be happy about it or not... perhaps the former. We're all so together that we're practically joined at the hip.

Well, to make the long story short... Hamza and I went to visist him at Las Piñas the day after and spent the weekend there with Hamza's mom, sisters and brother. hehe.

Now that I'm back to my old grind (Raja and I're together again, 24/7) and I'm wishing I had my temporary freedom back, I know I'd be missing him terribly if I "lend" him to my mom-in-law or my own mom...He's part Hamza and me... without him or my hubby... I wouldn't know where I'd be.