i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

it was movie night at home(don't remember exactly when) and hamza and i decided to watch "In Her Shoes", which i'm pretty sure the rest of the world has already seen (woe is me!). it was a good movie, despite its running time (about 2 hours--pretty long, but i'm cool with it). i liked how the two sisters' lives changed--slow but sure, subtle, but there. sometimes, you really do have to go out on your own to discover yourself...not rely on anyone or anything all the time... you don't really see the change in you until the other person's seen it. anyway, before i turn this into a movie analysis (as if i'm some expert critic), i'm gonna share with you the poem by e.e. cummings that maggie read to rose on her wedding day. it got me all teary-eyed for some reason... i guess it was the way it was read...or how rose was touched with maggie's gesture...but i have to admit i get like that even if it was just a 'touching' tv commercial(!).

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e.cummings

Freakin' Sleepless in the City

Oh pfft... I'm in my sleepless mode again...

Time flies... regardless whether you're having fun or not. It's been a couple of days since my last posting and I have to say that I haven't had a humanely decent sleep for the longest time. Funny I should feel this way, like I'm not used to not getting enough sleep... I've been an insomniac since I was ten! (I think that's why I didn't grow that much..haha! [if only I knew about that cherifer thingy..haha!])

It's a little easier now...In some ways I've come to terms with it. As I said, it was inevitable. There's no use crying over something that's no longer there, of someone who's never coming back. Acceptance is the only thing to do. That and moving on. It was fated to be that way... it's useless to argue with God about something that He has already decided on. And who am I to argue when I do not own my life?

We don't have a whole conversation about it...just snippets of "I'm sad", and so on... the only times I do talk is when someone asks--and I give a straightforward explanation, the way the doctor explains to his patient his condition; very medical, very generic. Sometimes I forget he/she is gone; I'd be lying on my tummy and suddenly jerk right up thinking I'd squished him/her. Or I'd refuse to drink soda because it was bad for the baby. Then I'd remember and start spacing out, but only for a moment. Still, I'd space out.

My only comfort are the two men in my life... We're all stuck like glue-- we eat, play, sleep (just them, I just lie down and watch tv) and breathe together, 24/7, day in, day out. At night I watch them sleep--they're so alike down to their muted snores. It's good that they're there to keep whatever sanity I may have left, or I would've gone berserk and chewed on the keypad of this freakin' notebook.

Bye-Bye Baby...

God giveth....and taketh away...

december 16, 5:02am.

i had a great view of the ortigas area--its buildings and malls and even the wack-wack golf and country club. it was a great view from my window in my room on the fifth floor. it was cool looking at the buildings, but i haven't slept a wink and the sun was about to come up. i would've enjoyed the sight had i been looking at it from my posh condominium (as if i have one), but i wasn't... i was staring at the view from my window in my fifth floor hospital room...

i was pregnant with my second angel...WAS. but my baby's gone now...

it was a normal pregnancy, and just like my first one, it too came as a surprise. i was contemplating of working for my uncle when the good news came. we welcomed the good news, and told our loved ones. the thought of having another baby boy or a little princess and raja becoming kuya excited us. i was careful but was stressed, with taking care of raja and doing the house chores. oh, i am forever grateful to my hubby for helping me out (i have the best husband in the world), but nonetheless, i was stressed and tired most of the time.

my doctor told me in my last check-up that my baby was a little small for his/her aog (age of gestation). she couldn't find my angel's heartbeat when she used the doppler on me...i was 12-13 weeks pregnant then. it was no cause for worry, as she assured me that things like that happened, but scheduled me for an ultrasound just to make sure the baby was okay.

december 12, monday. my ultrasound appointment was canceled, as my obstetrician gave birth. it wasn't a big deal... i went to the mall with my family, instead.

december 14, wednesday. i woke up and went to the bathroom to pee. there was blood... a little cause for panic, but still i remained calm. i had an emergency ultrasound and check-up at the hospital...only then had i learned that the little bundle i carried in my tummy had already passed on three weeks ago.

it was a fetal demise, a missed abortion. my ob's mother-in-law who was an ob too said that it was a genetic anomaly and was inevitable...bound to happen. it raised a lot of questions, but had no certian answers. i was careful, i was cautious. i loved my baby the second i learned it was inside me. but still, He took it back. it hurt me a lot that i would never have the chance to see it would turn out to be a girl or a boy, or if he/she would look like hamza or me.

that same day i was admitted to the hospital. i was released on a friday. i tried to take things in stride, smiling, joking with the resident doctors even, everytime they came to check up on me. but deep down it hurt me and hamza a lot. there was no one to blame, but somehow, i felt guilty. guilty that i wasn't able to protect my baby. guilty that he/she died inside of me without my knowing.

it's only been a couple of days since that happened. my hubby and i are still coping from the loss. one day at a time...i know i will be able to move on. maybe not soon, but one day i will. sometimes, i find myself staring into space, wondering how different things would have been had that not taken place. other times, i find myself crying for the loss of someone so dear, even if we haven't met him/her yet.

i guess Allah (swt) answered my prayers... i had always asked for a healthy baby, regardless whether the baby be another boy or a girl. perhaps He felt that i wasn't ready to have another baby, that i should take care of little raja first. still, i thank Him, for i have a little boy with me who cheers me up, and a loving husband who gives me all the love and support that i need.and to my baby, thank you, for that time you spent with me, your abie and kuya raja. we love you, baby.