He's Now Three. :)

It was supposed to be a family outing..Hamza, Raja and I with Hamza's parents and sibs, and my siblings and our nephews..we were all supposed to spend Raja's third birthday at Enchanted Kingdom in Sta. Rosa Laguna. But the stand-off at The Peninsula the day before his birthday gave me second thoughts about leaving home due to security reasons. So, we stayed home.. most of the day that is. Spoiled by his dad, Hamza quickly yielded to his only child's wishes to go to the mall to get his hair cut (go figure!). So, at five in the afternoon, we headed off to the nearest mall to get our little tyke a new 'do. It was a horrendous drive; what usually took twenty minutes to the mall lasted about more than an hour! I guess no one was afraid of coup d'etats anymore--we've all gone numb to all the hooplah going on around us. Anyway, we get him a hair cut and a toy afterwards, dinner at one of our fave haunts, stopped by a cake shop for his birthday cake and head home. It was a simple celebration once again, but a very happy one.

When he closed his eyes to sleep that night, I couldn't help but look at him and feel reminiscent of everything about him. From the day he was born (actually, four days after he was born) until that very moment. It's like, ang bilis! Time flies! You really have to try hard not to blink if you want to see everything happen before you. It was just like yesterday when all he did was cry and feed and get his diaper changed. Now he feels irked when he has a diaper on so he's stopped wearing one early on, he speaks sentences and asks "why" questions all the time, which sometimes leaves me asking those questions myself. He's like a sponge, and we really have to watch ourselves at times because he picks up on things really quickly. He's learned the alphabet and numbers, colors and shapes before he turned three years old, and knows the different kinds of vehicles, he has a keen sense of direction (he knows whether we're going to the mall or to lola's or wherever) and can determine good from bad. He now has preference for food, for tv shows, toys, the clothes he wears when we go out, playmates (he doesn't like playing with girls, except his tita Jaminah) and just about everything else! He doesn't like to sing unless it's the Spongebob theme song or Naruto (feeling Japanese) and doesn't like to dance unless I dance with him. He's still very much a part of us, but he's now starting to have his own identity which is apart from us. It's amazing seeing your own child grow before your very eyes, but it sometimes scare the hell out of me because I keep thinking if I'm doing all right as a parent to Raja or not. But knowing what I know about our son, I think I'm doing just fine.

Now that he's three, I asked him if he wanted to go to school. He said no, not yet, he still wants to stay home and play. It made my heart jump that he chose to stay home with us despite all the the nice things I said about school...I think I'll give him another year, then ask again. Maybe by then, he'll change his mind.

People keep asking if he's going to get a brother or sister anytime soon... "Buntis ka na ba?" "May kapatid na ba siya?" "Bakit hindi n'yo na sundan?" Relax. Chill. It's not like we wanted it this way, you know. Had we not lost the second, he'd have had a brother or a sister by then. And it's not like we're waiting for the right time. There's no such thing as the right time--if you're blessed by ALLAH to have that child now, tomorrow, the next month or year, then that is the right time, and say Alhamdulillah and thank you for the blessing. But if it's going to be just us three, still, Alhamdulillah and thank you for the blessing. Not everyone is blessed with a child. And to us, Raja is more than enough for now. It'll happen when it happens. But right now, it's just our Raja.

I look at the calendar and count the days until his fourth birthday swings by... it won't be long. Then I look at my kid again with his eyes closed, his matchbox still in his hand and tell myself, don't grow up just yet. happy birthday, Raja... ummi and abi love you very much.

11.17.07

Dear Hamza,

Another year has passed. At least for both of us. It has been a year of trials and errors, of difficulties, of sacrifices. We've gone through a lot but we didn't falter.What we have together is a lot stronger than we think. Technically, the paper says we're four years old. But in our hearts, it has been far longer than that. And it's still you and me.

There have been times in our earlier years that giving up and letting go is the easy way out. But as the cliche goes, 'it is easier said than done.' There were minor glitches, people who objected, but in the end, it all turned out okay. More than ok, we both thought. And we were blessed with a son, a son we both dote on and love so much. And then another came, but he was taken away before we even saw his face. That was perhaps, the most difficult time for us. But we're still together. Stronger than ever.

The years after that seemed to have passed by like a breeze. Just like any family who go through the motions of ups and downs, we had ours, and we've braved it all. I know there are those who think that we're just taking things easy, but we know better.;) It's been one hell of a ride. But as long as you're on my side, let it roll, let it slide!

Thanks hunny, for all the good and bad memories. The funny moments that we've shared, the serious talks we've had. Our petty fights and big arguments that I so thankfully say were few! Thanks for letting me keep your secrets, as you have mine, the jokes that we two only know, our share of big appetites and "this-is-my-last-harabas-meal-i'll-do-that-diet-thing-tomorrow", our love for movies, and dvds and dvdrips, and our movie marathons that end up into foodtrips in the kitchen and sharing childhood stories.

Thanks for having the patience in my sloth-like ways, my short fuses that go off any time, any day, my sudden bursts of craziness which I myself do not know where they come from. Thank you for loving my cooking and my oc-ness, my ability to find your things when they're right in front of you or otherwise, and my silly collection of flipflops that you too are starting to like.

I also would like to thank you for cheering me up on days I feel down, for turning my scowls into grins, and for making me laugh when I don't even want to smile. Thanks for the jokes, the corny and cheesy gestures, the funny dance moves only you can pull off, and for the "poppin!" songs I will never forget.

Thanks for all the flowers, the cakes, cards and gifts, expensive or not, immaterial and material alike. They all mean alot to me and will treasure them forever, dried petals and all.

Thank you for pointing out my mistakes and helping me correct them, for accepting my other flaws and personal issues which I am still trying to overcome, for the times when I cannot understand myself and for loving my scars as these help me become the person I am. For all of these and a whole lot more, thank you.

Lastly, thank you for coming into my life, for sharing yours with mine and for giving me Raja as these are gifts that have made me complete.

Happy 4th Anniversary!

I love you.

Forever yours,

Jodi.

Words From My Not-So-Old Wise Man.

Date : November 10, 2007

Time : 2:10am

Mood : edgy.

My gums are still hurting from yesterday's extraction, and for someone who can tolerate a great deal of pain, I have to say that I am a blink of an eye away from banging my head to the wall to numb the pain. It wasn't so much of the tooth saying goodbye to my mouth, but the trauma my gums are going through right now that's bugging me and leading me to write just to block the pain. Yeah. Write something gross to freak out your readers. Want a blow-by-blow account of my trip to the dentist's chair (of doom)? Hehehe. Block. Erase. And start over.

Hmm.. Dad dropped by the house pretty late tonight. He usually comes in the afternoons to relax a bit before he hits the sack in his flat. Anyhoo, sometimes I just leave him be in the company of his brother and cousin and they talk about the daily happenings in their lives or of other peoples'. Tonight though, I thought I'd stay out with them by the backyard and listen in on their "chismis". When my uncle left to get something, he turned to me and asked how life was doing... I said it was fine, and gave him accounts of the things that has happened that I hadn't had the chance to tell him yet.

So I ask him how his projects were doing and he goes on to talk about it. But first he talks about his early years and the things he's gone through, the career he chose and the name that he's made. He has certainly gone a long way and I commend him for being such a man. Jeez, if I could only be a quarter of the person that he is! Why on earth, did I not inherit his mathematical genius? I could have taken up civil engineering like he did! hehe. I let him talk about his projects in Mindanao... He's handling road and bridge projects funded by Saudi-Kuwait, and they're mostly located in risk-oriented areas. The last batch of projects that he handled were those funded by the ADB, and that took him years to finish because it was a whole bunch of projects funded at the same time. Now that was a deadly position. Two of his predecessors had to do early retirement and one died three months after he got that job before dad was appointed to that position. It was that toxic. But my dad... He finished the whole thing. So all the beautiful roads and bridges that you see and actually tread, from Luzon to Mindanao were parts of his projects (the foreign-funded projects, local projects aren't his). The ADB people actually cried when he finished the job, coz that meant he won't be with them anymore. And they even reacted when the Saudi Kuwait got him to do their projects in Mindanao because ADB is preparing a new batch of projects lined up for the country and they want him to handle it. He is that good. And I'm damn proud of it.

What makes my heart more prouder is the fact that the people I meet who know my dad have nothing but good words to tell me about him--professional, straight-forward, doesn't get intimidated by high-browed sleazebag officials, especially when he knows he's right and highly principled. The one word I hear most from them is that he's kind. Mabait. At times it surprises me when I hear stories from other people whom he'd helped; usually from small people and those who really deserve to get a break from this I-have-a-strong-backer-and-you-don't professional world. It's surprising because he doesn't tell us the things he does--stuff like that, anyways. Yes, he helps those he thinks are deserving and in need. His contractors like him alot because he's not one to demand anything from them (I can super attest to that--if that were the case we'd be super rich and I won't be living in this country anymore!) That's why officials who demand percentages for projects do not come to him because he doesn't believe in such. Takot sila sa daddy ko.

Some people wonder why I don't work for my dad. Why I don't use him to get me a high-paying job in his office or any of his kumpare's. I can't. Because he won't. Because he's not one to pull strings for his kids. He wants them to make it the way he and mom made it on their own. He wants us to get what is due us, what we deserve. Without pulling anyone down. Without stepping on other people's toes. That's how professional he is. There had been times it made me angry because he wouldn't do that for us, while others do anything and everything just to land their kids a great, stable job. But at the end of the day, he comes out right and on top.

So, he goes on to tell me that I'm lucky because my family and I won't have to go through the things he and mom did (and I know it was hard--I was there, too), and I'm super grateful for that! He went on to say that if things went my way and I let it pass by without doing anything, it wasn't meant for me (coz I told him about the job offers I've had the past years that I declined), that we were still young (he thinks?!) and we've still got a long way to go. He also told me not to rush things (joining politics--at least not yet, or whatever we want na hindi pa namin kaya gawin), because it will all just come at the right time. Better to take things gradually, slowly rise up rather than be placed somewhere on top and tumble down and fall flat on your face. Take care of your family, especially your parents (and I can clearly see that in the way they take care of lolo, lola and ina). And be mindful of other people that you do not step on their toes or offend them. Do not be impatient, ever. Because if it's your destiny, if ALLAH wills it, no matter what you do, where you are, if something is really meant for you, it will happen. Hmm.. true that, true that. Words from a wise man.

The grandfather's clock strikes a quarter to twelve and dad takes this as his cue to leave. He gets up and says goodbye, and that he'll be back the next morning. As I clean up the mess (cigarette butts, glasses, leftovers) I ponder on the things he's told me. He's right, you know... parents always are (like I am..wehhh!). It's just that it gets irritating sometimes when the world seems to pass by right before your very eyes and you're just standing there, wondering why you're not part of it... and being the impatient person that I am, it leaves me frustrated, you know? But yeah.t.when it's not for you, it's not for you. *sigh*breathe*sigh* Just gotta stay positive, and hella lot more patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. I mean, his career is thirty-plus years old, I certainly don't think I could surpass what he's accomplished with a blink of an eye. You really have to start somewhere. Maybe that somewhere is here, now.

Jeez, dad... why'd you have to be so great? hehe.

Time : 3:23 am

Mood : a bit calmer now.

Hmm... I can't say if it's the blogging that's calmed me down that I've now forgotten the pain in my traumatized gum...

But then... that could be the painkiller working its magic.

I'm calling it a night... or a morning rather...

There's a box of Krispy Kreme still in my fridge though. Hmm.

Haha!

I'm out.

That Green Monster Called Envy

There was one time I felt a little envious of someone, and I told my brother about it. He was like, "Naiinggit ka dyan? do you even know where they get the money they're spending? Yuck, kadiri ka. Naiinggit ka dun?!" When I saw his reply in our chatbox (we were chatting on YM then, like I do with my mom and brothers everyday), I felt like I bumped my head on a concrete wall.

Oo nga naman... why be envious of others when you got it going good for yourself? I mean, I have a sturdy roof over my head, I eat three square meals a day (plus snacks), I have warm, comfortable clothes on my body, I am healthy, I am making a decent income on something I started just as a hobby, I can go anywhere without worrying how to get there, and the list goes on.

Why be envious at all?

Perhaps these people are doing something that I haven't done yet?

-But nothing's stopping me.. there are no barriers where I stand.

Perhaps I can't because I do not have the means, financially?

-It can be one problem, though there are ways to remedy this.

Maybe because I want to be talked about?

-I don't think so.

Then why be green with envy?

-Because it's human nature.

Human beings are insatiable in nature. We long for things we do not have, or wish for others' lives to be just like theirs. We wish to go to places we haven't been to that others have and seem to have enjoyed, we crave for things that are not in our reach... We want to be envied.

It's evil, really. And the more you sink into it, the more unproductive, miserable and desperate you become. It's a sickness, a disease that can eat up your insides and drive you to doing things that you may and will regret having done later on.

What do we do then?

-Pray.

Corny as it may sound, prayer does a lot of wonders.

Seek forgiveness and mercy for planting such thoughts and feelings in yourself. Pray for peace of mind, for calmness and solemnity, for contentment and satisfaction. Be thankful of what you have, and what you do not have. Learn to accept what is given to you and not, and be mindful of the fact that there are others who wish to be in your shoes. Just think about it... It's that simple, really.

So the next time you get jealous of someone, think first... is it really worth getting jealous over? Or is the big ugly green monster called Envy dancing around my innocent (or not-so-innocent) mind again? Swat the thought away and do something productive...aim high and reach for the stars. You'll never get anywhere if you just sit there sulking... MOVE. NOW!

(--this is just one of those nights when something keeps playing over and over in my mind. i think i'm hungry lang...8mcdo or yellow cab? they both deliver 24hours, right? hehe..I'll probably talk about gluttony next time.lol)