i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

it was movie night at home(don't remember exactly when) and hamza and i decided to watch "In Her Shoes", which i'm pretty sure the rest of the world has already seen (woe is me!). it was a good movie, despite its running time (about 2 hours--pretty long, but i'm cool with it). i liked how the two sisters' lives changed--slow but sure, subtle, but there. sometimes, you really do have to go out on your own to discover yourself...not rely on anyone or anything all the time... you don't really see the change in you until the other person's seen it. anyway, before i turn this into a movie analysis (as if i'm some expert critic), i'm gonna share with you the poem by e.e. cummings that maggie read to rose on her wedding day. it got me all teary-eyed for some reason... i guess it was the way it was read...or how rose was touched with maggie's gesture...but i have to admit i get like that even if it was just a 'touching' tv commercial(!).

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e.cummings

Freakin' Sleepless in the City

Oh pfft... I'm in my sleepless mode again...

Time flies... regardless whether you're having fun or not. It's been a couple of days since my last posting and I have to say that I haven't had a humanely decent sleep for the longest time. Funny I should feel this way, like I'm not used to not getting enough sleep... I've been an insomniac since I was ten! (I think that's why I didn't grow that much..haha! [if only I knew about that cherifer thingy..haha!])

It's a little easier now...In some ways I've come to terms with it. As I said, it was inevitable. There's no use crying over something that's no longer there, of someone who's never coming back. Acceptance is the only thing to do. That and moving on. It was fated to be that way... it's useless to argue with God about something that He has already decided on. And who am I to argue when I do not own my life?

We don't have a whole conversation about it...just snippets of "I'm sad", and so on... the only times I do talk is when someone asks--and I give a straightforward explanation, the way the doctor explains to his patient his condition; very medical, very generic. Sometimes I forget he/she is gone; I'd be lying on my tummy and suddenly jerk right up thinking I'd squished him/her. Or I'd refuse to drink soda because it was bad for the baby. Then I'd remember and start spacing out, but only for a moment. Still, I'd space out.

My only comfort are the two men in my life... We're all stuck like glue-- we eat, play, sleep (just them, I just lie down and watch tv) and breathe together, 24/7, day in, day out. At night I watch them sleep--they're so alike down to their muted snores. It's good that they're there to keep whatever sanity I may have left, or I would've gone berserk and chewed on the keypad of this freakin' notebook.

Bye-Bye Baby...

God giveth....and taketh away...

december 16, 5:02am.

i had a great view of the ortigas area--its buildings and malls and even the wack-wack golf and country club. it was a great view from my window in my room on the fifth floor. it was cool looking at the buildings, but i haven't slept a wink and the sun was about to come up. i would've enjoyed the sight had i been looking at it from my posh condominium (as if i have one), but i wasn't... i was staring at the view from my window in my fifth floor hospital room...

i was pregnant with my second angel...WAS. but my baby's gone now...

it was a normal pregnancy, and just like my first one, it too came as a surprise. i was contemplating of working for my uncle when the good news came. we welcomed the good news, and told our loved ones. the thought of having another baby boy or a little princess and raja becoming kuya excited us. i was careful but was stressed, with taking care of raja and doing the house chores. oh, i am forever grateful to my hubby for helping me out (i have the best husband in the world), but nonetheless, i was stressed and tired most of the time.

my doctor told me in my last check-up that my baby was a little small for his/her aog (age of gestation). she couldn't find my angel's heartbeat when she used the doppler on me...i was 12-13 weeks pregnant then. it was no cause for worry, as she assured me that things like that happened, but scheduled me for an ultrasound just to make sure the baby was okay.

december 12, monday. my ultrasound appointment was canceled, as my obstetrician gave birth. it wasn't a big deal... i went to the mall with my family, instead.

december 14, wednesday. i woke up and went to the bathroom to pee. there was blood... a little cause for panic, but still i remained calm. i had an emergency ultrasound and check-up at the hospital...only then had i learned that the little bundle i carried in my tummy had already passed on three weeks ago.

it was a fetal demise, a missed abortion. my ob's mother-in-law who was an ob too said that it was a genetic anomaly and was inevitable...bound to happen. it raised a lot of questions, but had no certian answers. i was careful, i was cautious. i loved my baby the second i learned it was inside me. but still, He took it back. it hurt me a lot that i would never have the chance to see it would turn out to be a girl or a boy, or if he/she would look like hamza or me.

that same day i was admitted to the hospital. i was released on a friday. i tried to take things in stride, smiling, joking with the resident doctors even, everytime they came to check up on me. but deep down it hurt me and hamza a lot. there was no one to blame, but somehow, i felt guilty. guilty that i wasn't able to protect my baby. guilty that he/she died inside of me without my knowing.

it's only been a couple of days since that happened. my hubby and i are still coping from the loss. one day at a time...i know i will be able to move on. maybe not soon, but one day i will. sometimes, i find myself staring into space, wondering how different things would have been had that not taken place. other times, i find myself crying for the loss of someone so dear, even if we haven't met him/her yet.

i guess Allah (swt) answered my prayers... i had always asked for a healthy baby, regardless whether the baby be another boy or a girl. perhaps He felt that i wasn't ready to have another baby, that i should take care of little raja first. still, i thank Him, for i have a little boy with me who cheers me up, and a loving husband who gives me all the love and support that i need.and to my baby, thank you, for that time you spent with me, your abie and kuya raja. we love you, baby.

Ever Wonder?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."

How many weeds did the Indians have to smoke before they found tobacco?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB -GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

(Stop singing and read on . . .. . . .. . . )

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Don't you ever wonder about it?!

Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...

Forty Weeks and Fourteen Days... My Unconventional Journey to Motherhood.

Gosh...I’m a mom now.

Who’d have thought it would come so soon?

I certainly didn't.

I was about to leave college, a day shy from graduation. I had recently married and was conjuring plans for a great career in my chosen field (which, for those not in the know, is Psychology). I had wanted to take up a Master's degree and work at the same time after I graduated; there were a million and one things that I wanted to do, but as fate would have it, something else came up. A baby was on the way...

A baby!

All my plans had to take a backseat--coz I thought, this is something bigger. And it really is! I remember thinking that in about forty weeks, I’d be giving birth, I’d be delivering something great and big into this world, and he/she will be completely dependent on me and my hubby. Was I ready for this humongous responsibility? I mean, sure, I had taken care of babies before...I babysat for my mom whenever she went out. I took care of my three younger brothers, my cousins' kids, aunts' and uncles' kids as well. But this is going to be different...I’d be taking care of my own baby.

Pregnancy was a breeze---no morning sickness, no peculiar food cravings or anything of the sort. Well, okay, I ate kimchi with everything for the first two weeks but that was about it. I was particularly irritated with my husband even when he wasn't doing anything to me. The plain sight of him, his voice, and his scent... anything about him annoyed me so! Poor Hamza couldn't even talk to me without me scowling at him. But he as totally patient with me waiting on me hand and foot (something that husbands oughta do when their wives re with child!) I guess he spoiled me a little too much because I got really big! My fingers and feet swelled up like air was blown into them and my face was as round as it could be, not to mention my tummy. It was my own doing too; I ate what I wanted regardless if it was healthy or not. And the result, a whopping 155lbs. from a petite 100lbs. Scary.Ü

I was due on November 15, two days before our first anniversary. I was totally psyched, completely ready to huff, puff, and push him out into the world. My tummy was really heavy by then and I was getting back aches. But the day came and went. So did our anniversary. The week went by--and I was slowly getting tired and anxious. Nakakinis maghintay! They say that when a lot of people anticipate your delivery, it takes longer for him/her to come out. I was in and out of the hospital for my almost daily check-ups, ultrasound and NST (non--stress test--> done to monitor the baby's heartbeat/activity and to detect te intensity and duration of the contractions, if any).

“Good news, you might be giving birth before the week ends!” said my doctor. Imagine my glee—I was finally going to see that little bundle overstaying in my tummy! But the weekend came and went without feeling any shot of pain. On the 29^th, I was admitted for induction. My doctor said that if the baby stayed any longer, he might pass meconium (move his bowel) which might poison both of us. Nice. They say to be induced hastens the dilation for a faster delivery… and it feels like hell! But how come I wasn’t feeling anything? Just a dull pain in my pelvis, similar to cramps. Am I weird or what?! The whole thing lasted for six hours; the resident doctors in the labor room would increase-decrease the units/min every hour or so, depending on the baby’s movement and my contractions. Unfortunately, nothing happened in the six hours I was there.

November 30^th, Bonifacio Day, was my deadline.=P at exactly eight in the morning, I had my second session of induction…another six hours to endure. Still nothing. Darn it! My doctor decided to do a C-section on me; any more oxytocin coming in might endanger the baby. Geez. Baby pa lang, party pooper na.

Weird as it may seem, I was actually anticipating and pretty excited experiencing the labor pains, the minutes I had to count before the next contraction, and the actual delivery. But I guess I wasn’t going to experience any of it in this pregnancy! The O.R. was readied as soon as the induction was stopped. My doctor talked to my husband and mom anxiously waiting outside. Unfortunately Hamza couldn’t come in—we had initially planned that he be in the delivery room with me for “moral support” and so that he can whisper the azan (call to prayer) to the baby’s ear to introduce Islam to the baby at the moment of birth.

The procedure was quick… as soon as the anesthesia was injected into my lower back I felt all prickly (like I was being pricked with a million needles all over my body) and really heavy. I was struggling to keep myself awake because I wanted to hear my baby’s cry but I was really drowsy by then. Just when I was about to fall into unconsciousness I heard him cry. Alhamdulillah! He’s finally here! Exactly as I saw a blur of my baby’s flesh and heard one of the doctors say, “Mommy here’s your baby,” I slipped into unconsciousness.

We named him Mohammad Raja, his first name ttaken from the Prophet Muhammad (saw) and Raja (Rajaa), an Arabic term that means hope or wish... He was our wish come true, and InshaAllah the hope of our Muslim bretheren (sounds ambitious, huh?).

I didn't see Mohammad Raja until December 4th. Crazy, huh? Aside from my wound, I had the unfortunate experience of heartbeat irregularitirs after the delivery. Then came post-natal eclampsia eith my blood pressue shooting up from my normal 110/70 to 170/90; they forbode me to get out of bed and gave me medicines to normalize my blood pressure which I didn't take (harhar). As soon as I was allowed to see my little baby I rushed to the Neonatal Unit. My first meeting with him was something I don't think I'd be able to fully describe. There're no words to explain how it feels to finally see, touch and cuddle your baby for the first time.Ü

Raja’s now eight months old, and oh, how he lights up our faces and hearts when he gives us his two-toothy smile! Time does fly when your having fun.Ü Being a mom isn’t a bed of roses all of the time. There’re times I had wanted to sleep a little longer, take time off to do my hobbies and stuff. Then there were times when he wasn’t feeling well… oh, how much I wanted to trade places with him so he wouldn’t have to feel so weak and helpless! Having a baby does take up most of your time and energy. He’s a real bundle of joy to me and Hamza, but he’s a whole lotta other kind of bundle at times! But with a wonderful marriage and a beautiful baby who looks just like me (not!), who says I’m complaining? After all that racket? I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything in this world!Ü

Instructions for Life

Got this from my e-mail. :) Just thought I'd share. :)

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the 3 R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others ; Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone everyday.

9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation; don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.