(In)Dependent

I'm the type of person who values one's independence. Not in the sense that prefer to spend hours (or days even) away from my family and friends, but independence in the sense that I'd like to be able to be on my own every now and then, to be able to reflect and do certain things by myself.

When I got married to my husband, I slightly said goodbye to my independence. I was with him all the time... or shall I say he was with me all the time... well except when he was at work and I was at school/work. It was fun, and I enjoyed his company thoroughly (I wouldn't have allowed my parents to have me married to him if he had the humor of a dead toad!), although I sort of longed for the days when I could go mall-hopping-slash-shopping-slash-food-tripping by my lonesome. I used to do that; go mall-to-mall from Makati to Ortigas to North Edsa in one day. I knew he wouldn't allow that. Aside from the fact that it was impermissible for an unmarried Muslim lady/woman to go about town without a mahram (a male relative or husband if married), he was the type who loved to do things together. hehe!

Then came our little boy. When Raja came out (unwillingly, I might add), I bid with finality, goodbye to those days. I had a feeling I'd be stuck with this little critter until the day comes that he finds it remotely gross to hang out with his mother. So he and I spend countless hours doing completely almost everything: watching cartoons and soaps, kiddie shows and documentaries, playing with cars and choppers, or singing songs. When Hamza's free from work, we all go out together, visiting our favorite haunts, watching movies and gorging down on food. Sure, there were times when he and I would part ways for a while so I can shop in peace and he can go gymming, but only for a while (and I'm not complaining, ok!). But still, it'd be nice if I had a day completely all to myself and not worry about my kid's cute a**, or my husband asking me where his stuff were. *peace, hun!*

That day did come one time, though. I think it was last week, when my mother-in-law came to visit Raja. She went to Mindanao and didn't see him for over a month... so the day after she arrived, she together with her kids dropped by our place to visit the little boy and to update us on the latest news regarding last month's election...the dirtiest ever. She didn't really ask if they could "borrow" Raja; I think it was me who told them that Raja could spend a couple of days with them. I think Raja was excited too; well, they told him that they'd be going to Timezone first so he was so ok with the idea. hehe. I was too, although in a different way. 'Coz, once and for all, I'd finally have time to myself. And I have longed for that for the longest time. And it was here. I was free. Finally. Yes.*sigh!*

I was excited the first few hours after they'd left. But after a while, when all my hype on freedom has died down, when Hamza had finally called it a night (he works graveyard shift), I was left to my lonesome. And my initial thought of freedom and independence and doing all the stuff that I haven't done in a long time didn't seem so fun anymore... I realized that I miss the little critter and was bored.

I was bored and I missed my family. I mean, there I was, with all the time in my hands, with Hamza upstairs snoozing in the room and Raja with his Mommy Lydee and titas, and I didn't know what to do. I was so lost. I was just sitting on the couch by the living room, blankly staring at the tv (which wasn't on, by the way). I caught myself feeling reminiscent... recalling those days when he was a completely behaved little gentleman and the times when he just drove me nuts ("Raja put your toys away, puhleeease!").I guess I had been doing this for so long now that I do not know what else to do.

I didn't know how to be alone anymore.

I know that there're a thousand other things that I can spend my time on, but I've been a wife and a mom for quite a while now that I didn't realize I wasn't the same person anymore. I dunno if I should be happy about it or not... perhaps the former. We're all so together that we're practically joined at the hip.

Well, to make the long story short... Hamza and I went to visist him at Las Piñas the day after and spent the weekend there with Hamza's mom, sisters and brother. hehe.

Now that I'm back to my old grind (Raja and I're together again, 24/7) and I'm wishing I had my temporary freedom back, I know I'd be missing him terribly if I "lend" him to my mom-in-law or my own mom...He's part Hamza and me... without him or my hubby... I wouldn't know where I'd be.